Editors' note: This story, originally posted in November 2016, is relevant again in 2020. Some references have been updated but the expert’s advice still stands.
Thanksgiving is a time for family. It’s the one time every year that you get to eat grandma’s famous stuffing, see your cousins, the one time when three platefuls of food is actually a reasonable amount.
But some families in Dallas and across the country are apprehensive about Thanksgiving — and not just because of the coronavirus pandemic.
The polarizing 2020 presidential election created divides, especially in our friendships and families. It’s easy to avoid people who don’t share the same political beliefs, except when it’s the holiday season, and those people are family members.
What if you don’t want to talk politics with Uncle Ken? What if you’re worried about the opposing views of Aunt Donna and Grandpa? How do you avoid turning a family atmosphere into a hostile one?
You don’t need to cancel Thanksgiving. David Nicholson can help.
He’s a clinical and consulting psychologist in Richardson. The 62-year-old has been doing this more than 30 years, and for the holiday season, he has seven tips on how to have a peaceful Thanksgiving with your politically divided family.
Prepare
Just like any other tense situation, Nicholson recommends that you arrive with a game plan. After all, these aren’t strangers. They’re family. You know who might bring up the election, or whose political views you don’t agree with. So prepare. It also wouldn’t hurt to have another debate topic on hand.
“If I know that there are literal political minefields, then I’m going to be ready with subjects that everyone will enjoy, or are safe to discuss,” Nicholson said.
Avoid it
If talking about politics always leads to a screaming match or hurt feelings, then follow Nicholson’s simplest advice: Don’t talk about it. Maybe that’s not easy for your family. What if someone brings up the election and suddenly that’s the topic on hand? Instead of engaging in the conversation, stay quiet.
“I don’t have to comment if they say something that I disagree with,” Nicholson said. “I can just stay consumed with my sweet potatoes or pumpkin pie.”
Pick your spots
Set some ground rules. If talking about the election is unavoidable, then set a time and place. The back yard is fair game. So is the living room. But the dinner table? That’s a safe zone. Enjoy your food and company. Or heed the coronavirus-angled recommendation of Dallas County Judge Clay Jenkins by having a silent meal. Maybe talk about the election after dinner and dessert. This way, if it gets too heated, the night is almost over. Also, everyone’s food coma is setting in. Nobody will have the strength to argue.
Listen
If someone is really passionate about their causes, instead of debating them, why not listen? The more you listen, the more you’ll learn the emotions behind their views. Maybe you’ll find something to agree on. Maybe you’ll cordially agree to disagree. But neither conclusion is possible if you don’t listen.
“Try listening from a standpoint of understanding — not from a point of debate,” Nicholson said. “Because debate listening is ‘Good point, good point, stupid point.’”
Stay calm
No matter what happens on Thanksgiving, the only person you can control is yourself. Maybe you just finished a heated conversation. Maybe the strife at your table is too much. Watch your breathing. Take a walk for a personal time-out. Don’t match another person’s anger or volume. Stay composed.
“I’m not going to raise my voice, I’m not going to belittle them, I’m not going to insult them, even if I think their candidate of choice did all of that during the campaign,” Nicholson said. “Even if they’re doing that during the discussion, I’m not going to do those things.”
Be humble
Why gloat? Neither candidate is perfect. So recognize that. And if you lean heavily toward a particular side, acknowledge that you don’t fully understand the other person’s point of view.
“If you maintain that humble perspective, it’s going to be hard to be offended,” Nicholson said.
Be thankful
Remember that Thanksgiving is a time for family. It’s a time to be thankful for those you’re with. No families agree on everything. But you’re family. If political conversations get out of hand, affirm to the table that your relationships are deeper than the 2020 election. A prayer can start the meal off right by setting expectations of good behavior, he added.
“When we do these things, we are happier people. I’m a happier person when I enter into a Thanksgiving dinner having already thought of what I’m thankful about this family,” Nicholson said. “And if I actually express that to them, that makes me happier. That blesses my heart, and it blesses their heart, too.”
“We love each other more than we love our own policies and candidate,” Nicholson said. “Or at least we should.”
And if all else fails, he said, “Wear a big mask.”
