As gun violence continues to touch communities across Texas, parents are confronted with how to talk to their children about the tragic and often highly publicized events.
Most experts agree that although it may feel unnecessary or daunting, parents should encourage such conversations — especially to avoid misinformation or rumors that kids may learn through social media or their friends.
At least eight people, including children, were killed and seven others were wounded in a shooting at the Allen Premium Outlets mall on Saturday.
Spanning decades, a number of high-profile mass shootings have plagued the state across its churches, schools, shopping centers and more. Meanwhile, schools frequently receive false threats of violence that prompt lockdowns.
Parents may worry that addressing such topics might scare their child or make things worse in some way; however, “people tend to deal better with anxiety and emotions when they have a safe space to explore them,” said Annmarie MacNamara, an associate professor of clinical psychology at Texas A&M University.
Here’s how to approach such difficult talks.
Manage your own anxiety first
Similarly to how flight attendants instruct travelers to “put your oxygen mask on” before helping others, experts suggest parents cope with their own anxiety before helping children to model how to cope with shocking news.
Reaching out to a close friend, other parents or a mental health professional can help adults process these events and get advice about how to address them with their children.
And remember, “kids are actually pretty resilient and can sometimes deal with some of these things better than adults,” MacNamara said.
Let your child drive the conversation
Make it clear to kids that you’re available to talk. That can be done by asking what they know or if they have any questions about the recent event, experts recommend. Then allow them to fully express their thoughts and feelings.
Listening attentively and avoiding interruptions is imperative, according to the American Psychological Association.
Children should take the lead in the talks as they process what happened and their anxieties, experts say.
“You want to allow room for the child to drive how they interact with you throughout these horrific events,” MacNamara said.
Depending on the child’s age, parents can choose which details are necessary to bring up or what to omit. But avoid using euphemisms when discussing what happened, as they can lead to confusion or a child’s imagination running wild, experts suggest.
Be honest, then reassure
“You may not be able to explain the situation … and it’s okay for kids to hear that,” said Becky Wiginton, the director of guidance and counseling at Allen ISD. “Sometimes, they welcome their parents just sitting in the same unknown as they are.”
Afterwards, remind them of what measures are in place at home and at school for their safety.
Families can also create a plan for what to do if something happens when they’re in an open area or away from home to help ease youngsters’ anxieties, experts suggest.
Keep routines going
Continuing to follow the family’s usual routines helps get a sense of safety back, Wiginton said.
Limiting access to social media and news — for both parents and children — can also prevent everyone from getting lost “in the ‘what if’s’ and the ‘what could have been’ and the anxiety and the stress of that,” said JJ Larson, the director of behavioral health for Dallas-based health center HHM Health.
When to seek professional help
It’s never too early to speak with a professional therapist or counselor.
“Help is never going to hurt … even if the child was handling it totally well,” MacNamara said.
If parents notice a shift in children’s moods or behaviors that are persistent, then it might be a good idea to encourage them to speak about their worries with family members, a school counselor or a therapist.
Signs may include children being easily startled, lasting anxiety, an appetite decrease or disturbed sleep.
Such reactions are normal following traumatic events, but if the behaviors persist and disrupt children’s day-to-day, that’s when Wiginton suggests reaching out for help.
Moving forward
If children feel weighed down by the news, Larson recommends parents seek ways in which they can get involved to help the community.
Praying for other families, writing letters to thank first responders for their service or attending a vigil can help children take proactive steps to deal with complicated emotions, she said.
“When you can feel you’re part of something bigger than yourself ... that can be very healing,” she said.
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