How to talk to your child about school shootings

As rates of shootings and school violence increase, parents must once again confront how to comfort their children while addressing their complex feelings about the horrific and often highly publicized incidents. Here’s how to talk about it.

Authorities responded to a “confirmed active shooter incident” Friday morning at Wilmer-Hutchins High School in southeast Oak Cliff that resulted in one person being taken to the hospital, according to officials. North Texas saw a string of school violence last year, including a shooting outside of an Arlington high school that left one student dead and another wounded, a shooting outside of a Dallas high school that left a student injured and an incident with a small pocket knife at a Mesquite middle school that injured one student, all within one week.

All of this comes less than a year after a mass shooting killed eight people at the Allen Premium Outlets and less than two years after a shooting in Uvalde, Texas, that left 19 kids and two teachers dead.

Such events can have a significant mental health impact on children, even if they are far away from an shooting, pediatric mental health experts say. Parents and caregivers may notice changes in their kids’ behavior or newfound fears of going to school or large gatherings.

Though it’s difficult and may feel overwhelming, the most important thing a parent can do to help their children work through their feelings is talk, Tanya Moreno, a licensed professional counselor at HHM Health in Dallas, said during an interview in May, 2022.

Start the conversation

It’s important to let your child know that you want to hear what they’re thinking and feeling. Some kids and young adults may not want to talk about what’s going through their mind at first, Moreno said, but it’s important they know you’re there to listen when they’re ready.

Choosing when to talk is important, too. Certain times may work better than others, such as when riding in the car or before dinner or bedtime. When kids are ready to talk, it’s important to listen to their thoughts without interrupting, the American Psychological Association advises, and to wait to share your own opinions until after they express their understanding of the situation.

Sometimes, sharing your own fears with kids can make them feel more validated in their feelings.

“Kids, they’re not equipped like adults to communicate and express their emotions,” Moreno said. “Sometimes they don’t even know what they’re feeling, so it’s really important for teachers … and parents to put yourself in their shoes.”

Pay attention to changes in behavior

It’s normal for children to react in many different ways to a traumatic event. Kids may have nightmares, wet the bed or express fear about leaving the house, for example. They may also become more quiet or withdrawn, have feelings of anger or cry more easily than before.

This is normal for everyone, the APA said, and changes in mood or behavior should begin returning to normal in four to six weeks if no other traumatic events have occurred.

Talk about what they’re seeing on social media

After a tragedy, kids can be flooded with reminders of the event through news stories and social media posts. While it’s not always possible to control what your child is seeing or hearing about Tuesday’s shooting, it can be helpful to discuss what they’re seeing together.

“After these events, people can say hurtful things, they can say disturbing things, they can say positive things. It’s best to openly have these discussions,” Moreno said.

Find ways for them to help

Offer your kids ways that they can help others grieving this tragedy. Children can write letters or send drawings to affected families, or they can provide extra kindness to their own friends who may be struggling, said Nicholas Westers, a pediatric psychologist at Children’s Health.

Helping others “provides a sense of control in a world of uncertainty,” he said during a May 2022 interview.

Take care of yourself

You can’t take care of your kids without also taking care of yourself.

“Be a model for your children on how to manage traumatic events,” the APA said. “Keep regular schedules for activities such as family meals and exercise to help restore a sense of security and normalcy.”

When to seek outside help

While it’s never a bad idea for a child to talk with a mental health professional after a tragedy, there are certain signs parents can watch for that signal it may be time to reach out to an expert, Moreno said.

They include changes in mood or behavior that last more than a few weeks and acts of self-harm, like purposefully injuring themselves or making uncharacteristically risky decisions.

“Parents know their kids, teachers know their kids,” Moreno said. “Especially parents and caregivers know when they see changes in behavior or mood.”

Parents should reach out to their pediatricians or school counselors for more advice on when and where to seek additional mental health resources for their kids.