For 10 years, I worked on staff at a local church where the joy of my tenure there was overseeing a network of small communities. More than 1,600 people were involved in those small groups, meeting regularly for prayer and support and Bible study.
I learned a few things during that experience. I learned that the optimum size of a small group is 12. I learned not to create special groups for widows; that’s isolating them. And I learned groups need to be challenged with some purpose beyond their own mutual encouragement.
But the most fundamental thing I learned is this: Everyone needs a group. Humans are a herd species. We all need community. We were made for it. We won’t lead healthy spiritual or emotional lives without it.
We also won’t be good citizens without it.
In the context of faith, that means a church, synagogue, mosque or temple. It may mean a small group Bible study or volunteer team. In the context of citizenship, it means people to process our patriotism with. Call them a “news council” or “idea friends” — just a circle of people with whom you can talk about your opinions on current events, about how to be a good citizen, without fear of being canceled. We all need such a group, now more than ever.
News friends
A friend of mine, John Kane, is a therapist and family counselor. John once told me everyone has three relational needs: to be listened to, to be understood and to be taken seriously.
That’s what we need from our “news friends” too. Without realizing it, that’s what I signed up for when I joined The Dallas Morning News Editorial Board.
Our board meets often to discuss the news, debate issues and outline our collective response. We do it because it’s required by our jobs. But I’ve come to believe that we shouldn’t be the only ones doing it.
Because the news is so heavy, often tragic and sometimes outrageous, every citizen needs a place to process it out loud with others — a text thread, a happy hour, or a conference room.
For another friend of mine, that place is her home. Peggy Wehmeyer handpicked a group of people and started meetings she calls her “salon.” Salon happens once a month and includes good food and good conversation about current events. These are Peggy’s news friends. She musters them because she doesn’t want to face the relentless news cycle alone, and because she wants to participate in an exchange of different viewpoints with people she trusts.
This is one of the elements of citizenship that used to come naturally to Americans, but has been waning for years. Robert Putnam marked the start of our atomization in his landmark book Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of American Community in 2001. Things have only gotten less communal since then, especially among younger generations.
In his new book, The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness, researcher Jonathan Haidt makes the case that the recent spike in isolation, anxiety and other mental health problems has to do with removing adolescents from communities that used to be marked by four traits. They were embodied, synchronous, small in size, and difficult to join or leave. All of the groups described by those criteria — marriage, extended family, church membership, civic groups, deeply connected neighborhoods — seem to be less important to Americans now. No wonder it seems so emotionally taxing to read the news. We’re constantly being filled with troubling information without any release valve — no one to laugh with, cry with or pray with about the world’s brokenness.
At my church, we observe a tradition during Sunday services in which we pray together for the needs of the world. That portion of the prayer often sounds like a litany of awful headlines. But for those of us who spend a lot of time with such headlines, it’s a way to unburden — to collectively exhale the bad news before we collectively breathe in the good news.
Integration
There’s one thing my therapist friend didn’t say about relational needs: He did not say we all have an emotional need to be agreed with.
That’s an important note because our culture seems to assume that “being seen” is the same as being affirmed, that you can’t love and trust friends who don’t affirm your religion, your political philosophy, your sexuality or your parenting style.
My colleagues and I on the editorial board often disagree with one another; sometimes sharply. But I’ve seldom felt as if they weren’t seeking to understand where I’m coming from — to hear me, understand me and take me seriously. And I’ve never felt personally attacked for the views I hold.
It’s only the most fragile among us who need the constant affirming provided by partisan news and social media. But those forces, among others, are luring us further and further apart with the unspoken assumption that disagreement is disunity, that “safe spaces” are spaces without dissent. If you disagree with the leaders of one party, you’re a RINO. If you doubt the efficacy of gender-affirming care in another party, you’re endangering children’s lives.
As former Austin American-Statesman journalist Bill Bishop has documented thoroughly in his book The Big Sort: Why the Clustering of Like-Minded America Is Tearing Us Apart, Americans are in the midst of a decades-long program of organic segregation. We used to sort by race, class or nation of origin; now we sort by ideology. Increasingly, Americans live in ideologically homogenous neighborhoods, join ideologically homogenous faith communities and read or watch ideologically homogenous news. Said another way, we are increasingly unlikely to encounter neighbors, news, ideas or facts that challenge our preferred worldview, Bishop says.
That may sound like we’re finding “safe spaces” of like-minded people. But it’s quite the opposite. We’re retreating into echo chambers that threaten our own relational health and the health of our democracy.
How-to
So how do we reintegrate? Who should be your “news friends”?
First, consider the relationships you already have in diverse places — schools, workplaces, neighborhoods, hobbies. And listen to the people there.
I grew up in a rural town in the Texas Panhandle that was remarkably homogenous. Only 1,200 people lived there and they represented only two races: white and Latino. There was not a single Black or Asian person in my hometown growing up.
It was even less diverse religiously. Sure, there was a Baptist church and a Methodist church and a Catholic church. But there was no mosque. No synagogue. No temple.
There was no one in that small town to challenge my assumptions or help me see things from a different perspective.
Today, I live on a cul-de-sac in North Texas with 10 houses. Only two of those homes are inhabited exclusively by white people. Only three of those 10 families identify as Christian. Two families own guns (that I know of.) Five are immigrants. A gay couple lives across the street from a leader at the local mosque. There are singles, married couples, children and widows. We consume different news media and we vote differently. We are an outlier in the Big Sort that Bishop describes.
And we have terrific block parties. We watch each others’ pets. We look out for each others’ kids. We even, sometimes, listen to one another’s concerns about politics or foreign affairs.
America needs more places like that. We’ve got to get past the tribal, reptilian impulse to surround ourselves with people who look like us, believe like us and vote like us. We’ve got to be sturdy enough to encounter diverse worldviews without getting our feelings hurt.
That applies to news sources as well as addresses. If you’re a Fox News watcher, consider branching out with a subscription to The New York Times. If you send your monthly check to NPR, consider adding a check to National Review. The people who report the news for those outlets — and the people who read, watch and listen to them — are not your enemies. They’re your compatriots. Integrate with them.
And then, if you find a few of them with whom you “click,” talk to them about the news.
This step is tricky. Our politics has become so invasive, so personal, we almost need to ask for verbal consent. That’s what Peggy did: “I’ve been thinking of getting some friends together to talk about ideas and politics. Is that something that would interest you?”
It also requires a refresher on some conversational guidelines: Talk less than you listen; be more curious and less defensive; refuse ad hominem attacks, even against those not present.
Ken Hersh, president and CEO of the George W. Bush Presidential Center, wrote in the column that started this series, “Build as many bridges as possible because we will need them when the storm passes.” Eventually, the storm of this election year will be over, and America will need bridges to repair the damage that will inevitably be done by campaigns.
Our political leaders are not going to model respectful conversation. Our media environment is not going to foster healthy community. Those things are up to us. And if we can do them, we’ll not only stay sane this election year, we might also hold onto our democracy.
Editor’s note: On March 17, The Dallas Morning News published a column by Ken Hersh, CEO and president of the George W. Bush Presidential Center, which gave advice for citizenship habits that can help readers navigate this election year. This column is one in a series that expands on those ideas.
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