When I got married 30 years ago, I had a whole bunch of promises in my head in addition to the vows spoken aloud. At the top of the list: I will never become a single mom.
Like so many of my generation, my parents divorced when I was young (in 1979, to be exact — the year that the number of divorces in the United States peaked). My mom struggled to pay bills and manage the stress of raising two children on her own. I wanted a different path for any children that Steve and I might have.
I hadn’t considered that cancer would get in the way, making me a widow and single mom of two children just 15 years after Steve and I were married.
With the support of family, friends and our church community, I devoted myself to the role of single mom. I worked multiple jobs to make sure that we could stay in our suburban home down the street from our neighborhood schools and near some of my best friends. I was determined to create special moments for my kids — board game nights, summer sleepaway camps, memorable birthday parties — while maintaining availability and stability in their lives.
As it is with most parents, my stress level was high, but I managed it pretty well — until my younger child entered high school. Then everything started to fall apart. My child struggled with depression, anxiety, emergency room visits for mental health crises and residential treatment center stays. I carried the full weight of decision-making and the emotions that tumbled out in my direction, all while battling insomnia. I wasn’t alone, but I sure felt lonely.
My 19-year-old is now in a much better place — stable, happy, starting sophomore year of college. But when I read the U.S. Surgeon General’s Advisory on the Mental Health & Well-Being of Parents, I was taken back to those years of struggle.
Dr. Vivek Murthy released the advisory last month, writing in the foreword, “our cultural norms must also support us talking more openly about the challenges parents face and building more community for parents whose disproportionately high levels of loneliness compound the day-to-day challenges they face.”
This isn’t the kind of parenting that shows up on our social media feeds — carefully curated posts with coordinated outfits and exclamations of the joys of raising children. Those moments are real for many families, mine included, but they don’t represent the fullness of the parenting experience — messy rooms and petty arguments, early-morning frustrations and late-night tears.
The advisory relies on data to enumerate the stressors that today’s parents face, including financial strain, time constraints, concerns for children’s health and safety, isolation, difficulty managing technology and social media, and cultural pressures. Then the advisory emphasizes the importance of “addressing parental mental health conditions and … the underlying stressors and causes.”
There are four main steps to lessen stress for parents, according to the advisory:
- Recognize the importance of raising children.
- Create support for parents through public policy and community action.
- Speak openly about the parenting stress and struggles.
- Create a culture of connection for parents.
This advisory is a sort-of sequel to the surgeon general’s 2023 warning about teens and social media. Murthy is taking mental and emotional health seriously — a much-needed recognition of its importance.
Suggested solutions start at the systemic level, such as child care financial assistance programs, paid family and medical leave, steps to reduce poverty — big, often laudable ideas that won’t help parents who are struggling today. If you’re interested in helping parents right now, instead of waiting on politicians and bureaucrats, keep scrolling down the advisory.
Family and friends can offer to help with chores and errands, can listen with empathy (and without judgment) and can watch for signs of mental distress. Those in the throes of raising children can help themselves with self-care (exercise, meditation, setting boundaries), making connections with other parents, securing health insurance for the family and learning about mental health.
Though I was lonely during those rough years of parenting my teen, I did find solace and connection in a parent support group. I was also fortunate to be surrounded by a tight circle of loved ones who stepped in, often without asking — grocery and meal deliveries to the front porch, open invitations to text or call at any hour of the night, notes of support that carried me through the hardest days and overflowing buckets of unconditional love for me and my child.
What I learned then is what the surgeon general is telling us now: We need each other.
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